Cooking a turkey can be intimidating especially if you’re tackling it for the first time on Thanksgiving. With all the family gathered around expectantly, the last thing you want is a dried-out or undercooked bird. But have no fear! With these hilarious step-by-step instructions you’ll have everyone in stitches and end up with a perfectly cooked turkey.
Relax and Don’t Stress
The first step is not to panic. Pop open a bottle of wine, kick back and sip a glass as you get started. Don’t worry about precise cook times or checking the temperature multiple times. This relaxed approach will give you a nice turkey every time.
Prepare the Bird
After polishing off your first glass, it’s time to stuff the turkey. Shove the stuffing in any which way, packing it tight. Then go find another bottle and pour yourself a refill before putting the turkey in the oven.
Make sure to take the giblets out first if you want to use them for gravy later But don’t worry if you forget – just be ready to pick them out of the stuffing!
Monitor Its Progress
At this point go relax and have another glass of wine. You’ll know the turkey is done when the smoke alarm goes off.
When you hear the beeping, stumble tipsily to the kitchen. Then hunt around blearily for the meat thermometer and try to take the temperature. Don’t worry if you can’t find the thermometer immediately. Just pour yourself another glass of wine while continuing the search.
Take It Out and Carve
Once you get a temperature reading (or the smoke gets too thick), you’ll know it’s time to take the turkey out. If you’re able, lift it out of the oven carefully and transfer to a serving platter. If coordination is failing, just dump it out onto the stovetop – no harm done.
Pick the turkey up off the floor if needed and make sure everyone is gathered round. Then try to carve it without cutting yourself too badly. Remember the cardinal rule – don’t let go of your wine glass! Keep refilling it as necessary.
Enjoy Your Masterpiece!
Once you’ve managed to carve the turkey and distribute it onto plates, it’s time to celebrate! Give yourself a hearty pat on the back for pulling off this culinary feat.
Your turkey may not be the prettiest or most evenly-cooked, but it will definitely be the most memorable. The combination of raucous laughter and lots of wine will ensure your Thanksgiving is full of good cheer and new traditions.
So embrace the chaos, go with the flow and don’t sweat the small stuff. Follow these hilarious tips for cooking a turkey, and you’ll discover that imperfections just add to the fun and fellowship of the holiday. Here’s to a deliciously funny turkey and many more happy holidays to come!
Tips for Extra Fun
Looking to amp up the humor factor even more? Consider these additional tips:
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Drink a different kind of wine every time you refill your glass. At dinner, see if you can identify all the varieties!
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Forget to take the plastic pop-up timer out of the turkey before cooking. This will really confuse the guests later.
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Misplace the carving knives and try to cut the turkey with a serving spoon instead.
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Microwave the turkey for a minute or two mid-cooking if it seems underdone. Stand back when opening the door to avoid steam burns.
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Invite another clueless guest to cook the gravy while you handle the turkey. Expect delicious chaos!
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Start a turkey dance party while waiting for the turkey to cook. Crank up some music and bust out your wildest moves!
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Stage a fake emergency like a breaker tripping to confuse your guests right before carving the turkey.
The more creativity you bring to the process, the more enjoyment you’ll get out of your unconventional turkey day. So throw tradition to the wind, embrace the chaos and get ready for a roaring good time! Just be sure to have your phone ready to document every hilarious moment.
This mom regretted letting her son leave the house:
Which is perhaps what makes this prank so darn funny. Basically, people are texting their moms — seemingly in earnest — asking how long it takes to cook a 25-pound turkey IN THE MICROWAVE!!!
